Published on January 18, 2005 By Splateaux In Humor
1. Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

3. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

4. A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

5. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

6. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

7. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other:
"Does this taste funny to you?"

8. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's Not Unusual."

9. Two cows standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning. "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.

10. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

11. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there any thing you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Just because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy."

13. Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mom or my dad or maybe my older brother Calvin or my younger brother Ho-Chin. But I'm pretty sure it's Calvin.

14. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

15. I went to the butcher's the other day to bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

16. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

17. I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.

18. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

19. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

20. Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?""

Comments
on Jan 18, 2005
numbers 7, 12 & 17 ..... furken hilarious ..... the rest ..... brilliant!
on Feb 14, 2005
Gee no wonder you are in such a good mood at work.
on Feb 14, 2005
Gee no wonder you are in such a good mood at work.
on Feb 14, 2005
Hehe...I loved these...great stuff!
on Feb 14, 2005
Hehe, i'm gonna email this to my friends
on Feb 15, 2005
You sound like Henny Youngman, minus the violin.

Here's a few of my own faves, most from Rodney Dangerfield:

"My wife wanted to put some spice back in our bedroom, and I agreed with her.... so she started goin' out with the pool guy!"

Once when I was a kid, I got lost..I asked a cop to help me find my parents. I asked him, "Do ya think we'll ever find'em?" he said "I dunno, kid, there's so many places they could hide!"

"My parents hated me...my bath toys were a radio and a toaster!"

"Once when I was little, I got kidnapped. The kidnappers sent my parents a piece of my finger.....they wanted more proof!"

"I went to see my doctor, I said Doc, when I get up in the morning and look in the mirror, I feel like throwin' up...what's wrong with me?" he said "I dunno, but it's not your eyes!"

"I'm alright now, but last week, I was in rough shape, rough shape...the doctor had me on two medications, Viagra and Ex-Lax! I tell ya, I didn't know if I was comin' or goin'!"

And a few from Conan O'Brien:

"The US Senate finally recessed today after a marathon session of 36 hours....Ted Kennedy was so tired he put his head down on two desks!"

"The stuntpeople's union in Hollywood is going on strike. They say they want better hospitalization and death benefits because their job is so dangerous. Strangely enough, the same demands are being made by the people who lace up Anna Nicole Smith's corset." (this was pre-TrimSpa, obviously)

"Reuben Studdard is going to release a new CD soon, a collection of Gospel songs. The title is 'Jesus, I'm fat.' "

Those last ones were mean, I know (except for the one about Ted Kennedy), but funny when he told them.
on Feb 25, 2005
hehehe
on Feb 25, 2005
thanx for the morning wake-up giggles